The adventures of Itachi in a dress and Kisame!
by TortureMegan
Summary: Basically as the title says: Itachi wearing a dress and doing crazy stuff with Kisame, including but not limited to: torturing people, scaring people, exorcising demons, dancing like idiots, frustrating Fugaku, and, of course, wearing a dress! Crack Fic.
1. Torture Time: Maito Gai!

**I do not own any of the characters used, I'm pretty positive someone else has used this idea before, and I don't even own a dress. So basically, I own nothing (except the plot). I hope you enjoy the story!**

Dress? Check.

Heels? Check.

Make-Up? Check.

Evil Purse of Doom? Definitely Check.

Itachi smirked at the mirror, admiring his reflection before he sauntered out of the bathroom. Kisame stood up as he entered the kitchen, following the small male out of their apartment.

"So, what are we going to do today?"

"Piss off Maito Gai."

"Hell yeah!"

It was well-known around town that Kisame held a huge grudge against Gai, for reasons unknown to most.

The generally accepted opinion was that Gai beat him in a fight, then two days later couldn't recognise him when he asked for a rematch. This made the most sense out of all the possibilities, because while Kisame was a blood-thirsty fighting machine, he was also an honourable man, and held himself to a high code of conduct, one almost as high as that of the Uchiha's, which also helped explain his friendship with Itachi.

One of his main rules was to never forget anyone, and so he knew basically everyone in the town by name and could list several unique quirks about them and some general details about their life if asked. Gai, however, completely forgot everyone except those who agreed with his speeches of youth, which was why Kisame supposedly hated him.

Itachi was the only one who knew the real reason; however, he would never tell anyone. What reason did he have for telling others? They were all stupid and dishonourable, and he didn't like them.

"So how are we going to do it?"

"I have an idea…"

Maito Gai hummed happily as he waltzed down the street, revelling in the youthfulness of life. He was off to visit Rock Lee, one of his most youthful students and his unofficial tutee of life! Yosh!

"Yo Gai, what's up?"

He turned to face the speaker, a tall blue man, and frowned in confusion.

"Do I know you?"

"Yeah, we had a battle just last week."

"We did?"

"Yes, we did. Anyhow, what's up?"

"I'm off to visit the ever-so-youthful Lee!"

"Oh, the kid that looks like you? He died last night."

"WHAT!"

"Yeah, choked on a rainbow. Tragic, really. The nurse said he must have suffered agonising pain for hours before he finally died."

"NO! NOT MY YOUTHFUL LEE!"

"Gai-Sensei, I am here! What is the matter!"

"Y-You-But-You lied to me!"

"Yeah, distraction."

"For wha-Holy fuck my balls! Ah, shit, that fucking hurt! I'm in fucking agony!"

"Hn. You sound a lot like Hidan."

Itachi looked down, then raised his eyes again to glare at the writhing man on the ground.

"I hate Hidan."

The blackette raised his foot, and with the sharp end of his stiletto, he stomped down on Gai's crotch. Hard. As in, so hard that his heel went through the man and shattered on the pavement below.

Both Kisame and Lee winced as Gai cried out in pain before falling unconscious. Itachi merely smirked in satisfaction.

"Come Kisame, our work here is done."

"Um, Itachi? I hate the guy too, but did you really have to break his balls?"

"Yes. Yes, I did. Besides, I'm doing the world a favour by ensuring that this beast will never reproduce."

"Remind me never to get on your bad side."

"He deserved it."

Itachi looked back at the half-dead man, then turned back to Kisame.

"He called me Mrs, it's Ms, I'm not Mrs until you get your ass in gear and marry me."

**Random shit. Yeah, that was fun. Okay, fun facts! While I was writing this, I kept imagining Gai was going to see his girlfriend, and I thought it was Kaya from One Piece. You know, Usopp's girlfriend? And the fighting thing, I kept imagining it being Pokémon battles. You know, Kisame whips out a gaming system: I challenge you, Maito Gai! Eh, I don't know. I'm sick right now, I think weird stuff when I'm sick. This is actually the only day I've ever not gone to school because I've been too sick. And it's mostly because I have to bike to school. If I didn't have to, I probably would be at school right now and wouldn't have written this for all you lovely people! And if you liked this, please feel free to send me any ideas on what Itachi and Kisame should do next. As in, should they piss someone off(and who), should they go somewhere and scare people, should they do the cha-cha, anything. Just so long as Itachi is in a dress. I just gave myself an idea. Yay! But still, please send me your thoughts and opinions! I hope you enjoyed this thingy!**


	2. Strictly Come Dancing

**I do not own any of the characters used, I'm pretty positive someone else has used this idea before, however I do now own a dress. So basically, I own nothing (except the plot and a dress). I hope you enjoy the story!**

"Hello everybody and welcome back to the Strictly Finals! Our stars have performed a previous dance of their choice, and now it's time for the free-style! Remember, it's no rules so anything goes! Up first is everyone's favourite cross-dresser Itachi Uchiha and his partner Deidara!"

Screen. Deidara and Itachi dancing. Close up on Itachi.  
>"The free-style has no rules, so Deidara actually let me help him with the choreography. So, we're going to be doing something that's never been done before."<br>Back to dancing. Itachi is doing a solo while Deidara watches. Close up on Deidara.  
>"I think Itachi's going to do absolutely amazing at this dance, it's exactly his style: rebellious yet sophisticated. In fact, I'm probably more nervous about this than him, un!"<br>Both men grin at the camera, and the Strictly Final theme plays.

"All right ladies and gentlemen, dancing the free-style, Itachi and Deidara!"  
>The stage is black as the music starts: I kissed a girl is their song of choice. The lights come on to reveal Itachi dancing in front of a circle of curtains. He is, as usual, wearing a dress. This one is a simple red one.<br>He winks at the audience then turns around, shaking his rear as he reaches into the curtained circle. One step back, there is a hand in his. Two steps back, and Deidara emerges from the circle, dressed in a dress exactly like Itachi's, just in blue. The audience, judges, and presenters gape in shock as the two men prance around the stage, spinning and lifting each other.  
>The complexity of the dance is astounding. There are huge amounts of lifts, and at one point Itachi even goes down into the splits. And they keep switching roles, over and over: sometimes Deidara is leading Itachi, other times Itachi is leading Deidara. It's a twirl of blue and red, blonde and black, fire and ice. They shake, they twist, they bend.<br>The music slows to a stop, and they throw their arms into the air, waiting for the reaction of the audience. For a few seconds their panting is the only noise, then audience burst into applause, rising up and stomping their feet. They grin, finally relaxing their bodies as they make their way over to the presenter, Deidara stumbling slightly on the way.  
>"That was absolutely fantastic. How did you manage to persuade Deidara to wear a dress?"<br>"Believe me, it wasn't easy."  
>"Well, the dance was magnificent. Let's see what the judges have to say."<br>"The dancing was superb, and completely one of a kind. Some of the lifts were a bit iffy, as if you couldn't hold Deidara up, but other than that, it was great."  
>"I have to say, that was one of the strangest dances I have ever seen, and I loved every second of it!"<br>"Amazing. Just absolutely amazing. I'm-I'm speechless. That was fantastic."  
>"You did lose your balance on a few of the lifts, and you didn't seem to know what to do with your arms once you brought Deidara down, but it was an extremely complex choreography, and I admire your courage for taking such a risk, especially in the final. Overall, it was fab-u-lous!"<br>"Thank you!"  
>"Right, you two run along while the judges decide your score."<br>Itachi skipped up the stairs, Deidara right behind him, grinning happily.  
>"How do you feel?"<br>"Amazing. It's done, the judges seemed to like it, and I'm hoping we get a good score."  
>"We are too. The judges' scores are in."<br>"Ten!"  
>"Ten!"<br>"Ten!"  
>"Ten!"<br>"Forty out of forty! How do you feel about that?"  
>"That's just-Wow. I don't know what to say. Thank you."<br>"Thank you for being so entertaining! Time for out next couple!"

"Sorry you didn't win."  
>"Don't worry, I had fun. Besides, they deserved it."<br>"You did too."  
>"Thanks Kisame."<br>The two men continued walking in silence, then the larger one turned to his companion.  
>"Say, Itachi?"<br>"Hn?"  
>"How did you get Deidara in a dress?"<br>"I got Sasori to persuade him."  
>"Oh."<br>"Yeah."  
>"Heh, poor kid never stood a chance."<br>"Yeah, well."  
>"Hey, wanna go get some ice cream? My treat."<br>"Sure!"

**Sorry it took so long! But yeah, I got this idea watching Strictly Come Dancing. They should seriously put some cross dressers in there. I'm kind of sad I didn't get Kisame to have a bigger role in this, but Kisame dancing? Itachi lifting Kisame? Sorry, but I just can't see that. Anyways. I hope you enjoyed this chapter! **


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